Good News!

Herman Cain, who was said to be reassessing his campaign after the news broke of his 13-year extramarital affair, has concluded that his campaign is DEFINITELY AWESOME and thus has put out a hot new campaign advert.

You know, I wasn't going to vote for him before, what with all the sexual harassment, cavernous void of personal ethics, comprehensive lack of competency, and general garbage ideology, but now that I see he's got the moxie to indirectly throw down a straw-gauntlet against imaginary presidents who hate America, I'm going to reassess my own campaign of resounding contempt.

Ha ha just kidding I'm for sure never voting for him or anyone in his stupid party of bootstrap-hollering dirtbags.

Anyway! To the video!

Herman Cain in voiceover, over patriotic music and images of a busy factory where the forklifts sport US flags: The engine of economic growth is the business sector. Now this is good. [images turn to a still factory, as the music segues to an ominously howling wind] This is bad. [cut to Cain onscreen, with "I Am America" music from previous ads] Our fifteen trillion dollar national debt is killing our children's future, and it's not going to get any better until we put an executive into the executive office. [more scenes of busy factory] I've spent a lifetime creating jobs, and, if you make me America's CEO, we the people will take this country back. We can do this. I'm Herman Cain. I'm running for president. I approve this message, and I will never apologize for the greatness of the United States of America.

I would just like to note that Herman Cain is one of the best candidates the Republican Party can find in a nation of 308 million people.